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Ask Self Serve – No Sex in a Kinky Triad

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Question: I’m in a triad, and I love both my partners. We’re also kinky, and one of my partners is submissive. We have an intimate relationship, but no “sex”. How do we fix it?

 

Answer:  A first step toward happy, sexual loving is to find out why you aren’t having sex. Is it a boundary one of you prefers? Are your partners attracted to you in a kinky way, but not a sexual way? Some people are Asexual and prefer romantic relationships that aren’t sexual. Sex might not happen between people for many reasons. Open and honest communication can help you find the answers to these questions.
 
If the answer is that your partners don’t want to have sex, you can decide if a relationship without sex with your primary partners is right for you. If the answers are “I want to have sex, but I’m not sure where to start” you can go from there. We’re hosting a Keeping it Hot in a Long Term Relationship class on October 2nd that can help any relationship bring sexy back (even if it’s been gone awhile).
 
A trip to Self Serve might be all you need to inspire sexy times. Sometimes it’s best to start slow. Try a ‘yes, no, maybe’ list. There are some pre-made lists in books like “Sex is Fun” or “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns,” or you can read our article Our Favorite Yes/No/Maybe Lists Available Online, but here’s how you can make your own list. Start by listing all the activities you can imagine. They can be sexual, kinky, sensual or emotional. Check a column for ‘yes,’ ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ next to each activity. Try working on your lists individually, then share your lists. If you have similar things in the ‘yes’ and ‘maybe’ columns, there’s your list of things to try.
 
Remember that when more than two people are involved, there are more feelings and safety to consider. Perhaps seeking sex outside the relationship could be a solution everybody enjoys. If you’re not sure how to have those conversations, we carry several books on polyamory, like “Opening Up” and “The Ethical Slut.” Honoring your sexual desires is an integral part of any relationship and we hope you find the answers you seek.
 
Email your questions to askselfserve@gmail.com.
 
Questions are answered by Self Serve Staff and edited by Hunter Riley.
 
Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider for any medical condition.

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