Question: My girlfriend doesn’t have orgasms during sex and I want to help her have them. What can I do?
Answer: Thank you for reaching out to us! It’s incredibly common that people, especially people who were raised as women, don’t experience orgasm during intercourse. I assume when you say ‘sex’ you mean penis-in-vagina (PV) sex, which is just one type of sex. Lots of other fun types of sex include manual sex (handjobs or ‘rubbing one out’), oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation and other fun activities. We mention alternatives to PV sex because it’s very common that people with vaginas don’t have orgasms during penetration alone. Statistics aren’t always the best resource to turn to when it comes to learning about sex, but some polls (Scarleteen.com and ABCnews.com) suggested that anywhere from 50%-75% of women don’t have orgasms through penetration alone. So it’s very normal for women to experience a lack of orgasm during sex and there is nothing wrong with them or their bodies.
The first question we ask people who have this challenge is if they masturbate. We named our store Self Serve for a reason! We think the most important sexual relationship is the one you have with yourself. Masturbation is natural and healthy and it’s a great way to find out what you like in bed. If you know how to please yourself, you can give better instructions to a partner. Masturbation often leads people to learn that their clitoris is essential in reaching orgasm. In the same way that it might be unrealistic to expect a person with a penis to orgasm without stimulating said penis, it might also be unrealistic to expect a person with a clitoris to orgasm without stimulating said clitoris. Vibrators, hands and tongues make great clit stimulators, so it might be a great game for you and your partner to try to give her an orgasm with tongue, hands or vibrators before you even try penetration. Some of our top-selling vibrators are ones that stimulate on or around the clit. The part of the clitoris we see is literally just the tip of the iceberg. The clit is about the size of the palm of a hand and has a similar shape to a wishbone, hiding under the lips. The Divergence vibrator not only stimulates the external part of the clit, it also stimulates the top part of the clitoral legs that extend down on either side of the vaginal opening. We also carry a variety of vibrating rings that create contact with the clitoris during intercourse. Many people find them to be essential. A good lube is also an essential ingredient for pleasure. If you are not currently using one that you love make sure to pick one up ASAP.
On August 22nd at 7:30 pm, we’re hosting “Interactive Muffdiving” where participants get to practice their oral pleasure skills on a peach! This class is open to anyone who wants to learn, so you and your partner can come together and get some tips to try at home. Oral sex is a great main event and can also make penetration feel better for those who desire it. Another important thing to remember is that the pressure to orgasm might actually inhibit orgasm, so don’t put pressure on her to come if you can help it. Sex can feel good even if you don’t have an orgasm, and sometimes it can take time to develop. Luckily the homework is really fun!!
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Questions are answered by Self Serve Staff and edited by Hunter Riley.
Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider for any medical condition.