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Ask Self Serve – Getting what you want in bed

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Question: How do I warm my boyfriend up to the idea of being rougher with me? I really don’t like soft lovemaking like he does. He’s open to trying light S&M, and I just don’t know where to start.
Answer: Rough sex can be really hot! For many people it’s validating to ride the line between pleasure and pain. Keep in mind, good sex involves negotiation and enthusiastic consent.*
Sexual compatibility is a challenge for lots of couples, one person might like it rough and the other doesn’t, or isn’t sure.
Bravo on talking to your boyfriend about your desires! Next, go into detail about your desires. Do you want to be held down? Dirty talk? Spanking? The more direction you give, you’re more likely to get what you want. Write your list and discuss it with him. If he’s not into something on your list, it’s okay. You both get to say yes, no, or maybe in your relationship.
We have tools at Self Serve that might help, such as Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex series. Educational porn teaches techniques, safety, anatomy and positions. Self Serve screens all the porn we carry to ensure it’s friendly to women and couples. Use the videos to help your boyfriend visualize what you want. We also have books like Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns and When Someone You Love is Kinky to help him understand your desires and how to enjoy rough sex safely. Consider checking out for info and community. Fetlife is kind of like Facebook for kinky people. Best of luck with your rough, hot sex!  
*If you ever feel pushed beyond your limits, stop and do something else. Negotiating is something that happens before, during and after sex. It’s ok to stop and change your mind at any time!
Email your questions to [email protected].
Questions are answered by Self Serve Staff and edited by Hunter Riley.
Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider for any medical condition.


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